Monday, 26 September 2011

Canine House Rules

1) It is not possible to get to the top of the stairs before a Dalmatian. This rule applies whatever house you are in and where ever the Dalmatian might be before starting the ascent. The Dalmatian must be at the top of the stairs to wait

2) If a Dalmatian has ascended the stairs for his own undisclosed purposes, a Dalmatian is unable, under any circumstances to descend the stairs until the Dalmatian has heard, clearly, the tinkling of an appropriate amount of biscuits into the Dalmatian's bowl

3) A Dalmatian does not descend the stairs for an inappropriate number of biscuits.
The Dalmatian shall  decide what constitutes the appropriate number of biscuits  even when the Dalmatian can not SEE the biscuits

4) Wet food whilst acceptable as well, will not be acceptable for a Dalmatian to descend the stairs. Please see rule 2

5) A Dalmatian's duty is to be certain about the contents of the fridge at all times. To do this the Dalmatian will open the fridge when the Dalmatian believes it is most appropriate to do so, to be certain of the contents of the fridge.

6) A Dalmatian shall liberate the fridge of contents which the Dalmatian believes are inappropriate and have been misfiled. For the avoidance of doubt the Dalmatian shall decide what foodstuffs fit into this category of misfiled food.

7) The Dalmatian has the right and duty to dispose of the misfiled contents in any way as the Dalmatian sees fit. Dalmatians are efficient and speedy in the despatch. The Dalmatian shall leave the fridge open afterwards as a silent reminder to the Misfiler of the inappropriate contents of the fridge.

8) A Dalmatian shall take outside any object that might be of use to the Dalmatian for recreational purposes. This can include the previously mentioned misfiled contents of the fridge. Generally however only the empty receptacles of the misfiled contents of the fridge will remain as objects to be observed by the Misfiler on the way to a later walk. This along with rule 7 is part of the Dalmatian's duty to nonviolently point out the error of the Misfiler's ways.

9) The Dalmatian shall guard the contents of the oven as food is cooked within. The Dalmatian shall do so assiduously and the Dalmatian very rarely has reason to ascend the stairs for his own undisclosed purposes whilst the main oven is in use.

10)  The Dalmatian is aware of the difference in use of the top and bottom oven. When the top oven is being used to grill toast, the Dalmatian has a personal quest to snatch the toast as it is transferred  to the plate.  This is to ensure the sharp reflexes of the Toaster. In the event that the garden is not available to the Dalmatian, after the execution of this act, the Dalmatian may ascend the stairs for his own purposes. Please see rule 2, which will apply when the Dalmatian is ready.


Please remember at all times that the Dalmatian is demonstrating his service and duty towards you when considering these rules.

Rule 1 is a Universal Law of Dalmatians, as well as a Canine House Rule

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